About 3 weeks ago I completed my biggest goal that I have set for myself in recent future. I completed my Yoga Teacher Training. I went back to the second half of my training in a good state of mind and was ready for anything. I loved it there again, I was happy, it was Right. I did my practicum and my tribe loved it (or so they have lead me on to believe, haha). I graduated!
But since I finished, I have lost my drive. I honestly do not want to do anything. This is not a fun place to be in. It is a bad downward spiral. I have been here before and I know I need to get out of it as quickly as possible. But I am here, I accept it.
Oddly enough, the only thing I have been able to do, is read. Something that I do not do as much as one would think, considering all the schooling I have under my belt. But I am reading. I just finished the Bhagavad Gita. This translation is by Stephen Mitchell. Surprisingly I read it in 3 sittings, again not a norm for me, no matter what the book is.
Sitting, reading on my own, where I used to study when I was in University. It was familiar. It was grounding. I am meant to learn. I will always find ways to learn. Which is why, I am not teaching.
I think.
So far, my whole life, all thirty years I have been in a state of learning. From how to move, talk, math, read, write, history, art, economics, leadership and accounting. But there it stopped. Well not the learning but a drive to learn. I was an accountant, articling to become a Chartered Accountant. A good career, in which I could support any lifestyle I wanted. But I hated it. I learnt that fairly quickly. And the downward spiral of the past begins.
It was not until I dropped that path and started a new. I found a job in an environment that I knew I would like to be in. Everyone around me was healthy and active, driven and friendly. I found my new home. And found a new passion. Yoga. Within two years, it took over my life. It has changed me, for the better. I was happy. So I began learning how to teach it. So I can share my love of yoga to people I meet.
I completed my training. And now I am caught in my thoughts. My thoughts of not being a good enough teacher to teach. I am so stuck, that I am preventing myself from going to studios and looking for opportunities to teach.
I think, I am afraid that because my training is over I am going to stop learning. I feel that is wrong. In my gut, that is wrong, There is no way I am done learning yoga. There is no end to it. One of the reasons why I love it.
Which brings me back to the Gita. And the lesson it had for me. Of the many lessons in it, I picked up the most is letting go of expectations. I am expecting myself to teach perfect yoga classes and when it did not go that way a week ago, I crumbled. I will never teach a perfect yoga class. That is impossible. There is no way, that I or anyone can teach a perfect class for everyone in the room. Some will love it, and think it was perfect, some will hate it, and some will be in the middle. Perfect is not possible. But I must let go of this attachment of performance and expectation.
I know that now.
Now I must live it.
My thoughts cannot hold me back.
joshua schofield 